Well I finally decided to come to grips with the answer this week. I decided to face my fear and be open and willing to allow others to speak into that moment. Little did I know what God had planned. All I wanted was some constructive pre-sermon feedback….. what I got was so much more. The challenge to look at what was under all those surface excuses and journey into a time I have allowed to haunt me for years. You see it was easier to accept all of those college mistakes and life decisions prior to returning home. But once I came back…. Then life SHOULD have been different, right?
But it wasn’t! There was a year of poor choices, stupid decisions, and until now, un-forgivable actions. I have allowed myself to be haunted long enough. I have sat on God’s check for 1 million dollars… no even more ….. one lifetime of forgiveness. It’s time to finally cash it once and for all!! I have spent almost 3 years coming back to Psalm 103: 8-12
The LORD is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever.
He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.
Do you see it… that last line? Verse 12… No matter what it is we’ve done, it is removed, forgiven! I was told that I would never fully be able to live into the calling I believe God has placed on my life until I am willing to accept His forgiveness AND the grace those in my life both then and now have shown. For the last year I feel I have struggled more with the grace part than God’s forgiveness. Every time I stood up I allow everything I had done wrong to come to mind. I stood and read, totally disconnecting from people, leaving Aimee out of it. Someone went so far this week as to ask if I had another personality. Of course that’s not true!
A part of the message this week deals with spending daily quiet time with God. In the moments of talking about this I read from Paul’s letter to the Galations… Chapter 2:19-20 “For when I tried to keep the law, it condemned me. So I died to the law—I stopped trying to meet all its requirements—so that I might live for God. 20 My old self has been crucified with Christ.[a] It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”
How could I speak this in front of everyone when I have never been willing to fully accept that I am not the same person I was even 6 years ago. That I believe God’s word to be true and everyday become more grateful for the gracious people he placed in my life back then and now.
So… tomorrow starts a new day, a new beginning in a life of freedom, freedom to be me, to allow God to use me and realize that he still desires to use me. Tomorrow is a leap of faith, there’s a great outline, but no transcript, nothing to fall back on. There is only total trust and surrender to the One who has called me and will speak through me. I am nervous and more EXCITED than I’ve ever been. I cannot wait…. till SUNDAY!
